that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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