I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
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We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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