This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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