im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
