I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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