Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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