I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
