just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
