Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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