if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
