I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
