We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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