oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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