just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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