i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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