I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
