I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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