I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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