whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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