yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
