the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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