I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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