I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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