If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My vagina is officially offended.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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