Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
