i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
