How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
