i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
