complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
