would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
