I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
