I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
