i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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