Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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