Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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