I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
