I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
