I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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