even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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