the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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