look no pants
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
