did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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