Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
