My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
