I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Are we still banned from the library?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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