he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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