last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
