accomplished twins. life is a go
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
