there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
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My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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