Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
