At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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