1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
