he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
