Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
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If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
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Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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