i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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