I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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