I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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